CoCo's New Beginning - Nancy

 A New Beginning

I walk in the door and the familiar pounding bass of Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing” vibrates in my chest.  My eyes slowly adjust to the dark, with the only light being neon signs saying Girls, Girls, Girls. The  smell of stale sweat, cigarette smoke and cheap liquor violates my nostrils. I wonder if that smell is a permanent odor that I walk around with.  No time to be thinking about things like that as I am late for work and Geno will be sure to give me a tongue lashing for it.

 I avoided seeing him as I sneak into the dressing room. I say hello to the other ladies all in different stages of dress and intoxication. Hi pretty lady Siesta calls out to me. She is one of the newer and more naive of the girls. She hasn’t yet learned the backstabbing ways of the more seasoned ones. 

I find my chair and throw off the contents of someone else costume and sit down ready to transform myself into CoCo. I stare into the mirror and its as if a stranger is looking back at me through the cloud of smoke that fills the room. “Who are you?” I ask myself? “And how in the hell did you get here? “ For a moment I get lost in my thoughts before the door slams open and Geno is shouting out “Coco get your shit together and be out on this dance floor in ten minutes. And don’t you damn well be late again or your pretty little ass will be out on the streets.” 

I hurry up and paint my face with heavy rouge, false eyelashes and red lipstick. I squirm in to a tight leather mini, knee-high boots and grab my whip. I take one last glance in the mirror. As I do I chuckle to myself thinking this really is a joke. A joke on every foolish man out there. And I am the puppeteer. But the show must go on!

I perform my skit as I like to call it. Slapping my whip. Giving that devilish smile all the while as I tease the leering eyes wanting more from me. So, I give them a little more and play the game. I show you what you want and you give me money. The more I show the more money you give me. Everyone knows the rules of this game. 

Although the atmosphere with its bright lights, music and cheering, the underlying theme is loneliness. These men wouldn’t be here if they weren’t lonely and trying to fill an empty void in their life. I feel sorry for them. I know several of the regulars as they really just want someone to talk to. Either their wife has died or they are not particularly handsome and have a hard time meeting woman. They all think they are in love with me, whatever that means. So, I talk to them and listen to their stories. I do care about them. But only to the point that they pay me for that consideration. 

And then there are the others. The mean drunks who want to control you. Who think they are smarter and better than you even though they are losers just like the rest of them. I fell for one of those losers. His name was Randy. He was covered in tattoos and had greased back black hair. Said he had a good job working at Lockheed. He always had plenty of money, much of it he spent on me. But there were big strings attached to it. At first it was flattery with “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. I want to treat you like a princess.” But it didn’t take long before the real Randy showed himself. He assaulted me with words that would tear down my self-esteem bringing me down as low as he was. He would physically rough me up but always keeping from bruising me. He knew if Geno saw bruises on me, he would get thrown out of the club. Not because he hurt me. But because no one wants to watch a dancer with bruises all over her. It would result in loss revenue.

But I met a woman several months ago that said some things to me that are now planted in my brain and growing like a spring flower. She asked if she could share my table in a small crowded cafe. As she sat and drank her coffee and ate her tuna sandwich we began to talk. She asked my name. I was hesitant as I didn’t know if I should tell her, it was Kelly or CoCo. I went with Kelly. The conversation was light at first but long after the tuna sandwich was finished, we were still sitting and talking. I liked her. She had kind eyes. She was real. I hadn’t met a real person, a person who knew who they were in a very long time. In fact, I didn’t know who I was. And all the make-believe characters I worked around surely didn’t have a clue who they were. We agreed to have lunch the following week at the same cafe.

Her name was Linda. She was married with two grown daughters and worked part-time in an accountant’s office. Over the next couple of weeks, we revealed more about ourselves over coffee. I don’t know why but I trusted her with my story. I told her about how I left home at 17 with dreams of making it big in the world but with no direction on how to do it. My parents worked late night shift in a factory which left a lot of time for me to be pernicious. I became hard to control and so we fought all the time. I figured I was grown up enough to make it on my own. So, I left. With no money and no direction, I was lured in to the world of stripping. I was always told I was pretty. So why not make money off it. I told her I had made a lot of money and have been saving it for when the time is right to get out. 

Linda listened intently and never judged me. She asked me if I thought my parents still loved me. I told her I wasn’t sure. I would guess they have given up on me. She then asked do you think you could ask them  to forgive you? Those words hit me like a brick. I couldn’t ask anyone to forgive me until I could forgive myself. 

That word forgiveness has propelled me on a journey to change. In order to change one must strip off all the phony layers that the world sees until you are exposed naked to the truth of who you are. What irony with me being a stripper to think this way. But that’s the beginning, a new beginning of a life moving forward into the light. I’m ready. Linda helps me to find a job. An honest job. She helps me get my GED and then enroll in community college. Her positive encouragement allows me to look in the mirror now and be proud of who I am becoming. 

I was late for work today because the final details of my escape out of this world of fantasy are now in place. This is my last show as CoCo the dominatrix. Tomorrow Kelly asks for forgiveness.