Dear Grandma Buckner - Nez

 Dear Grandma Buckner

By Nez Nesmith

Dear Grandma Buckner, 

You were a crotchety old woman when I was a little kid. Anyway, that’s what we, my sister, brother and I thought. You were our Mom’s grandma. You lived with us while we grew up. You never liked me, or any of us, but you knew who I was. You had me do things for you and to be your eyes at times. You were blind. Mostly, you were angry, bitter and mean, and blind. We got used to that. To us, that’s who you were. I was always disappointed about that though. Grandma, I wished that you had been nice and would have told us stories, stories where we all laughed. You didn’t. I wished you were  a grandma that we all loved being around. You weren’t. 

Grandma, after I grew up, I felt that there was a hole in my life, in my upbringing, and I realized that hole was partially you. Surely, somehow you must have loved us, loved me. You were there for my whole upbringing, but you refused to take part in my growing up. You were there, but you really weren’t. I have lamented over that my whole life. I was involved in many things that you might have enjoyed. You might have even been proud of me. You missed a lot of great times. We were pretty fun kids. I know it’s too late for that now. You’ve been gone a long time. But I still have questions. I hope the answers to those questions come about, but sadly I won’t set my expectations very high. Here are some of my first questions.

Question 1. Do you even know why you were so angry and mean? You showed no compassion for anyone or anything. I know you were blind, but people, including your own kids, said you were always that way, before you went blind. That being the case, I’ve always wondered why in the world Grandpa Buckner married you in the first place. He was really likable. You weren’t.  He loved all the kids and grandkids and great-grandkids. You didn’t. The two of you were married sixty years before he passed. What happened in your life that made you so angry, bitter and mean for so long? 

Question 2. You were half-Cherokee Indian, and you looked it. We always admired that about you and loved the fact that we had Indian blood. We were never sure which of your parents was Indian and which was white. Curiously your own kids weren’t sure either. They never knew your parents, their grandparents, and I guess you never told them. As the mother of six kids why didn’t you ever tell at least some of your story? So, was it you mom or dad who was Cherokee? Most of us have always figured it was you mom. 

Question 3. Why did you dislike most of your own kids? You showed them no love. They were likable people. We loved most of them. We didn’t particularly care for you eldest daughter (she was too much like you), but everybody else was great. The only one you seemed to care about was your eldest son. 

Question 4. With the way your life unfolded you had to have many stories and experiences and yet you never shared any. Were they all that bad? There had to be at least a couple of good ones. Even just a few might have given us more insight into what or who were the influences that made you you. We might have even had more compassion and love for you. 

Question 5. You and Grandpa had a successful strawberry farm and general store in Decatur, Arkansas. You had the respect and envy of neighbors and townsfolk. You had even brought the first telephone system to the town. Yet, in one fateful night you and all of your family packed up and left town moving to China Spring, Texas, abandoning your farm and store. What precipitated that sudden departure? What happened that was so bad that all of you had to leave? Even your kids would not say. 

Question 6. And finally, what was your reason for never entering Oklahoma Territory? It was only three miles away and you had relatives there. Yet after Oklahoma became a state you passed through it on your way to Idaho, and your kids said you visited several people there. You were in Decatur about thirty years and never entered Oklahoma Territory. That was a curious thing your kids sometimes brought up. Even they didn’t understand. 

Grandma, those are just a few of the questions I have for you. I would really like to know about first half of your very long 96 years. Please help me understand how you became you. 

Respectfully and with Love,

Your Great-Grandson 

Nez Nesmith 

September 2023